Valentine's Alert!

ATTENTION ALL MEN – Valentine’s Day is only 2 days away! WARNING – Failure to properly prepare for this event may lead to cold shoulders, icy glares, isolation and a sleepless night on the couch. PREVENTION TREATMENT – requires a boat-load-of-cash to purchase any or all of the following: any perfume named after stalkers (Obsession, Desire, Poison, Envy), lingerie – CAUTION – only purchase at highly priced retail stores that claim to have secrets, if purchased at Walmart or Goodwill you will experience nausea and possible head trauma. Jewelry is always a safe bet especially if you REALLY need this day to make up for the past 11 months – the mathematical equation to determine how much you should spend is f(x)=en . Isaac Newton first discovered this formula when he was hit upon the head by a loaf of French bread after forgetting his wife’s birthday. In layman terms, F=you, X= how long you’ve been in the dog house, E = your hopeful outcome, N = is the exponent of how much money you earn in a lifetime working 2 ½ jobs, and there you have it, the exact amount of money you should spend on anything laden with pearls, gold, and diamonds.

For those of you who’s boat-load-of-cash has sunk to the depths of the Pacific Ocean, yes you still have options as well. Roses are always a good idea but could send the wrong message: dark red- passionate love, pink- cutesy love, yellow-friendship love, white-motherly love, purple- uh, just don’t give purple. A card is a necessity, but be careful to set the right tone, “Sweetie, you’ve got more trunk space than a 69 Buick” is only funny when you are reading it to yourself at the Hallmark Store. Honorable mentions are chocolates, candies, and stuffed bears, although overused they could help you slide by this year.

God’s pulling for you this Valentine’s Day. Remember Adam, all by himself in the Garden of Eden, naming animals, snacking on fruit all day, not having to worry about dirty clothes on the floor, toilet seats, or body odor (you would stink too if you ate fruit all day and hung out with animals). God looked upon him with pity and decided to help the poor guy out.

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18

After one restless night, there was beautiful Eve. Today, thousands of years later, we men still have God’s pity, “It’s not good for (insert your name) to be alone”, and he gives us our “Eve” who’s beauty is captivating, love is satisfying, and companionship is fulfilling. Valentine’s Day is our opportunity to express our feelings (yes, I know sometimes that’s a big step for some of us) toward the love of our life.

So, guys, I hope these few notes of guidance will help you navigate the land mine fields of Valentine’s Day. After surviving 23 Valentine’s Days with my special Valentine, I’ve only singed my eyebrows, lost a few toes on my right foot, and with the exception of the 1994 Valentine’s Day debacle that nearly took off my left arm, I am still fully functioning. Be brave, be courageous and go out there soldier and make me proud on February 14th.